I'm writing this as a series in the hopes that one day, I will look back and see growth.
I don't think I have ever not struggled with insecurities. I've gotten better at ignoring them or being unmoved by them, but every once in a while they flare up and begin this long cycle of self-hatred --usually around that time of the month. However, this weekend they flared up again and I didn't have my hormones to blame or use to dismiss them.
My church's women's ministry hosted an event that pushed us to look ourselves and discern what was true and what was a lie. There was one room where we were to write down a lie that we've held on to---I wrote "I'm ugly and will never be good enough". In the next room there was a mirror set up where we looked ourselves in the eye while listening to a recording of Psalm 139. I knew before we started that I'd end up shedding tears, but I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror.
What compounded this experience for me was leading worship for maybe half an hour or so and struggling through the entire set. My hands are unsteady when I'm nervous, which is painfully evident when you're playing guitar. Honestly, I'd rather not go into much more detail about it. I left the front feeling naked and foolish and that I had only distracted people from worshipping instead of setting the atmosphere. Worse than feeling like I had misplayed a chord or sang off key...I worried that Christ wasn't exalted nor present in that time I led. Meanwhile, I still had that small piece of paper with the "lie" on it. In the worship room, we were to "let go" of the lie and write a "truth" that the Lord was speaking to us. More than before, I had the hardest time going up to "let go" of that slip of paper. I didn't believe it was a lie.....it felt, well, it feels so true to me.
I remember really clearly some of the times that I was called ugly in grade-school. I remember being a "confetti girl" at my uncle's wedding and how all the adults went on and on about how pretty the other confetti girl was, how cute her dress and hair was. I remember feeling completely overlooked. I remember hearing a guy tell another guy that the girl that he liked was on a really high level and he should aim lower and laughed as he pointed at me and said "like her". I remember kids talking about how yellow my teeth were when I was in middle school. I remember hearing a group of guys, that I thought were my friends, discussing, within earshot, about how ugly I was. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and conclude in agreement with all those voices from my past "Tomi, you really are ugly...look at that nose, look at your lips..." Its really hard to believe that it's a lie. I want to believe it's a lie, but I convince myself otherwise over and over again. Usually I can gloss over and ignore those feelings, this weekend I hadn't the strength to do so.
I confess, I let how others view me, and the way that I view me, define how I feel about me. I went in this horrific circle today: first, hating that I let the opinion or actions of others towards me affect me so much; then, hating my personality and my appearance for not being likable enough for everyone; then, hating my awkwardness, and hair, and face for not being lovable to me; then, back to the start. I hate that I feel this way right now. I hate that I feel so powerless to change it. I hate that I'm unable to just "let go".
I understand that the answer here is not someone telling me that "I'm beautiful". It's kind, especially if it's heartfelt, but it does nothing for me if I can't believe it myself. I have to accept that I am beautiful and beloved by a wonderful Creator---One that I'm struggling to receive from right now---not because this or that person says its true, but because it is true. During the worship set I touched on before, I played the chorus of this old Vineyard song "Your Beloved". There's this line in it that says that He's "...unashamed to call me [His] own" that lightly tugs at my heart. I sang the chorus on the way home and almost....almost believed it was true. But, I can't and I don't know how to fix this.
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