5. On Heartbreak

I am a black woman.

I'm sitting in the corner of a smaller cafe and am trying my best to keep from crying in front of my friends. A part of me kind of wants them to see my tears-----only so that some kind of cross-cultural/cross-gender conversation could be prompted, but I worry that I won't be able to express what I'm feeling clearly and/or I will be met with blank faces and empty words. It's not their faults if they don't understand, I know.
I'm honestly not even sure where to start when it comes to talking about this. While doing some work on my capstone, I read this article that sought to analyze and compare sex-trafficking in a handful of international cities. Two observations from the article were the breaking point for me: 1.that being a woman and 2. having a deeper skin tone were both noted as risk factors for sex trafficking.

To be black and to be woman.

The past few months years of highlighted racial tensions have been exhausting in itself. From the killing of unarmed and/or innocent black men, women, and children to the systemic denial to recognize black lives as worthy of justice and defense---this coupled with being told that we are "overreacting" or "too sensitive" or "making things up" is really a lot to carry. I'm usually the optimist; I want to be fair and unbiased but the reality is there's nothing fair or unbiased about systematic racism. There's absolutely nothing fair about research findings that report that your race and gender make you at a higher risk for being exploited. There's absolutely nothing unbiased about being called a "nigger" on your university campus and then nothing being done in response by the administration charged with working for your betterment.

More than being angry or frustrated, I'm heartbroken. I have to wonder what we could have done so wrong to elicit such deep hatred of us-----based completely on the color of our skin. To add to that stress, the burden of being a woman where pay scales, adverts, education rates and the like scream that you are not worthy of respect and whatever you do will never be enough---where the most sacred of acts of intimacy is used as violence to control and destroy your spirit. Yes, I'm heartbroken.
I'm not saying that other races and/or men do not bear their own heavy burden of systemic racism, hatred or discrimination. Neither am I saying that their burden is less important. It's just that today [or yesterday, now], that burden was overwhelming and I felt crushed and deep heartache for black women.

I'm privileged to have the opportunity to be able to pursue education as far as I want and to have been born into a loving and supportive family. I am privileged to be surrounded by supportive, loving people of all colors and genders who remind me of my worth, even when I don't believe them. I am also incredibly aware that I am loved and claimed, as I am, by the Creator of the universe who calls me fearfully and wonderfully made. For these and the last reason especially, I refuse to remain crushed. My privilege was never just for me. I can speak, rise, and fight for those who cannot, and I most certainly will.

To my black women and girls: Whether you believe it or not, you were created and are irrevocably loved, claimed and treasured by the Creator of the universe who loved you and the entire world enough to give everything to be with you. This is your worth. Not based on what you do, have done or will do; not based on the hue of your skin or shape of your body; not based on what he, she, or they say about you. But based completely on the fact that the Creator of the universe knew you, and formed you, and calls you His masterpiece.

Yes, this applies to every human being in creation. Yes, without doubt, adjustment, or hesitation. But, I need to be reminded of this day after day-----specifically so as a black woman to drown out the overwhelming noise that screams everything contrary. So this is me, a mouthpiece graced to be used by a loving God, screaming back at the darkness and lies on our behalf.

4. On Insecurities - Part 1

I'm writing this as a series in the hopes that one day, I will look back and see growth.

I don't think I have ever not struggled with insecurities. I've gotten better at ignoring them or being unmoved by them, but every once in a while they flare up and begin this long cycle of self-hatred --usually around that time of the month. However, this weekend they flared up again and I didn't have my hormones to blame or use to dismiss them.

My church's women's ministry hosted an event that pushed us to look ourselves and discern what was true and what was a lie. There was one room where we were to write down a lie that we've held on to---I wrote "I'm ugly and will never be good enough". In the next room there was a mirror set up where we looked ourselves in the eye while listening to a recording of Psalm 139. I knew before we started that I'd end up shedding tears, but I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror.

What compounded this experience for me was leading worship for maybe half an hour or so and struggling through the entire set. My hands are unsteady when I'm nervous, which is painfully evident when you're playing guitar. Honestly, I'd rather not go into much more detail about it. I left the front feeling naked and foolish and that I had only distracted people from worshipping instead of setting the atmosphere. Worse than feeling like I had misplayed a chord or sang off key...I worried that Christ wasn't exalted nor present in that time I led. Meanwhile, I still had that small piece of paper with the "lie" on it. In the worship room, we were to "let go" of the lie and write a "truth" that the Lord was speaking to us. More than before, I had the hardest time going up to "let go" of that slip of paper. I didn't believe it was a lie.....it felt, well, it feels so true to me.

I remember really clearly some of the times that I was called ugly in grade-school. I remember being a "confetti girl" at my uncle's wedding and how all the adults went on and on about how pretty the other confetti girl was, how cute her dress and hair was. I remember feeling completely overlooked. I remember hearing a guy tell another guy that the girl that he liked was on a really high level and he should aim lower and laughed as he pointed at me and said "like her". I remember kids talking about how yellow my teeth were when I was in middle school. I remember hearing a group of guys, that I thought were my friends, discussing, within earshot, about how ugly I was. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and conclude in agreement with all those voices from my past "Tomi, you really are ugly...look at that nose, look at your lips..." Its really hard to believe that it's a lie. I want to believe it's a lie, but I convince myself otherwise over and over again. Usually I can gloss over and ignore those feelings, this weekend I hadn't the strength to do so.

I confess, I let how others view me, and the way that I view me, define how I feel about me. I went in this horrific circle today: first, hating that I let the opinion or actions of others towards me affect me so much; then, hating my personality and my appearance for not being likable enough for everyone; then, hating my awkwardness, and hair, and face for not being lovable to me; then, back to the start. I hate that I feel this way right now. I hate that I feel so powerless to change it. I hate that I'm unable to just "let go".

I understand that the answer here is not someone telling me that "I'm beautiful". It's kind, especially if it's heartfelt, but it does nothing for me if I can't believe it myself. I have to accept that I am beautiful and beloved by a wonderful Creator---One that I'm struggling to receive from right now---not because this or that person says its true, but because it is true. During the worship set I touched on before, I played the chorus of this old Vineyard song "Your Beloved". There's this line in it that says that He's "...unashamed to call me [His] own" that lightly tugs at my heart. I sang the chorus on the way home and almost....almost believed it was true. But, I can't and I don't know how to fix this.

3. On Career

It kind of makes me laugh thinking about writing on this subject, because honestly I have no experience in building a career. In fact, I'm finding that most, if not all the "steps" I have taken towards a future career have been pretty short-sighted. Sigh..

That's pretty depressing to think about isn't it? I've been wrestling back and forth with myself these past few weeks about decisions I've made in the past about education and and jobs and volunteer experiences as I search for a job.
- Maybe I should have chosen a more lucrative career path?
- What if I've wasted the past 7 years on "things that I love" with nothing to show for them?
- Is all this student loan debt worth it?
...and on and on.
I don't have time to wallow in self-pity--- I don't want to wallow, anyway. I'd like to grow.

In a recent blogpost a friend discussed his thoughts on the perspective that millenials have on education and career. He spoke of the sense of entitlement he observed in his peers that was based on education, but lacked the appreciation and understanding of gruntwork as a career-builder. Maybe I'm guilty of this perspective. I like to think of myself as an idealist and I really fear losing this part of myself, but I feel like maybe I'm at a point where I've "had my fun". I was fortunate to really enjoy what I studied in college and graduate school, but maybe now I have to go through a season where I'm not chasing my dreams directly and have to really focus on becoming a stable, independent adult. Perhaps my season of "fun" is over and it's time to trade in idealism for practicality.

Again, I fear that working towards this trade-off is forfeiting an important part of my Tomi-ness and that when all is said and done I'll just be another 20-something who hates her job and works for the weekend. ......Is it possible to have it all? By all, I mean to chase my dreams and be diligent in my financial responsibilities? I never really dreamed to make a lot of money----I recognize that my desires may not align with a high-paying position. Does this mean that I have to forfeit that desire in the name of practicality and responsibility? ----Am I being selfish in wanting to hang on to these things?

My resolve thus far has been to take this season as what I hope it will be------a season, a time in my life that will pass. Maybe I won't completely enjoy working in whatever position I am able to get, maybe I won't see the point of it and question the value of my work to society and God's kingdom. Maybe my desires will change drastically in the process and who I am today won't recognize future Tomi. (cue nightmares of "corporate Tomi") But the hope is that maybe my dreams will change and be more conformed to what He wants. I have to hope that nothing is wasted and that He works things out for His glory and for the good of His children and His kingdom.

Ending on that note feels contrived, so I'll end here instead--- I don't know what the next few months or years will bring, and in some part that really frightens me....but other parts are excited. I'm nowhere near consistent in addressing the tension between my hope and despair ---I tend to teeter towards either extreme at any given moment.

Musings - Dreams

Once during the school year, my adviser passed on sharing my umbrella while walking in the rain. She explained that feeling the raindrops on her skin was like experiencing the closest thing to a physical touch from God. I thought this was beautiful, but I'll come back to this later...

A few days ago, in the backyard of my mother's house, I was day-dreaming of what "my perfect life" would be----I'd be a folksy back-up singer and acoustic guitarist in a big colorful band that tours the country in a bus. We'd be the type of band that actually enjoys being with each other on and off stage. We'd sing lively and somber songs about faith and life and love and sorrow. Back at home, in our cozy apartment in a small borough of a big city, my husband and I would grow little food plants and drink craft beers and french pressed coffees..---I could really go on and on with this, and I did in my day-dream. It seemed such a sweet life of simplicity and good, beautiful things. It felt like my heart was asking the Father if having a life that felt the way this day-dream did was possible, something that I could actually have. Like an answer, raindrops slowly started to fall. What my adviser described seemed to prove true here. The little drops felt like kisses from the Father and my heart felt really full.

Maybe the answer wasn't yes, but I'm sure the God of the universe knows how to orchestrate story-book moments like these to bring comfort and assurance to His daughter. Maybe my life won't turn out to be like my day-dreams-----and maybe that's a good thing.

2. On Dating/Marriage

A couple days ago I read this article written by Tim Keller on relationships. I was really surprised at how much I could relate to Jacob's view on finding that "right person", that "one true love", even though I'd probably do my best to conceal this to others. In my current life position, I've decided that I'm not ready to think of dating or marriage --- there are so many things that I need to stabilize, so many things I need to put in order for my future, so many character traits that I need to work on, there's also that small issue with fear from seeing my parents' marriage implode. Regardless of understanding all of this, I can't stop myself from daydreaming about finding that special someone and developing a relationship and life with him.

I've always struggled with self-esteem and self-worth, but then again, who hasn't? I find my struggle most obvious when I'm vying for the attention of a guy. It could honestly be any guy, not necessarily someone that I'm interested in or could ever consider dating or marrying, but anyone. I feel affirmed and valued and of worth should I receive the attention, but crushed if that attention stops or if I sense that I'm being ignored or rejected. One step worse, it really stays with me for a while. I do the same with people that I personally think are really admirable or respectable. I vie for their attention and affirmation and will be crushed if I am rejected. I've given so much power to people who probably don't know they have it and really don't deserve to carry the burden of my worth.

Going back to my original point, I'm just as guilty as Jacob of idolizing that "special person". Once more, I'm guilty as early Leah of placing my worth in the hands of someone else. I've never dated anyone so I have a limited view on the workings of romantic relationships-----I hardly understand the workings of platonic relationships. Therefore, to think that I will still feel lonely or unappreciated or unworthy even with a significant other is a concept that's difficult for me to grasp. I know with my head, and with the conviction of the Holy Spirit that an earthly relationship can never satisfy a divine longing. My Bible reading plan is taking me through the book of Hosea, where I see that the Israelites are turning everywhere looking for help and healing. They look to alcohol, sex, idols, other nations, pagan sacrifice and rituals, everything and anything to satisfy and heal. They engorge themselves on earthly pleasures thinking they will be filled and finally full, but the hole in their being just gets deeper and emptier. I'm the same, I look to everywhere else to fill the holes in my being, but come up empty with bigger holes than before. I know the One who fills, but just in case He doesn't work out, I have a couple back-ups. I remember last week in Cincinnati, during a time of repentance, telling the Lord that I wanted to be His and truly His. By this I meant, no more offering myself to other things on the side hoping that they will fulfill me if His way is too hard or takes too long, no more taking shortcuts to be with Him, with the only purpose being to say that I've been with Him, no more taking His gifts and making them more important that being with Him, no more running to myself or my experiences to direct my path: I want to be His and truly His.

So, should that guy come around that the Father is pleased to see me join with as one, my prayer is that I would be like the latter Leah, where I know that my strength, my worth, that all good things come from my good Father. While our relationship will be a good, good gift from the Father, it's not the end all, be all of my life or His story in our lives and that He is the true good thing that we are after. I still don't know that I completely understand any of this, because I have no experience, but for now, while I'm single and working towards being His and truly His, I pray that the heart understanding will come by and by as the Holy Spirit leads. Furthermore, I pray that my heart will want to believe and accept these things as Truth.

1. Introduction

I'm starting this blog because I want a fresh start. I want to learn how to communicate in terms that are clear and easily understood. I want to be more vulnerable and open, and not hide behind a veil of double entendres and secret languages. I don't feel the need to be poetic here, but to express myself clearly without pretense or worry that you will see me.

I'm currently a twenty-something who wants to know and love the Creator of the universe, who I am convinced also wants a relationship with me. I'm finishing my master's degree while looking for a job and trying to learn how to be an adult. I don't have all the answers and don't claim to either, but as cliche as it sounds, I understand that life is a process, a journey of walking, stumbling and bumbling, which is why I named this blog as such. I think I used to fear not knowing how to do everything on my own, because it would reveal my naivety and weakness, but the reality is I know very little and there are so many things in which I need to grow.

So here we are, and here I am. Welcome. :]