Today I cried. I've teared up a lot lately----but today, I cried.
I wrote this in my journal a few months ago, but it's a pretty accurate expression of my frustration today:
"i can't sleep----i'm exhausted in every way possible, but i can't sleep. i feel so small, so tiny, like a little smudge in history." i feel like a tiny boxer beating the air with my fists but landing no punches--no dragons have been conquered---no wars won. i think i'm at my wits end with the boys...i would like to say i love them--but i don't know if i even do that right. i'm no mother. there's no training for this---i feel so alone and helpless---hopeless even. what am I even doing? how am I even impacting them? am i just an enabler?---do what they ask of me in this hopeless struggle to gain trust and respect? to what end? to what goal? no hearts are changing---no habits dropped---school hasn't become more important--intrinsic value left unrealized----what the hell am i doing? i'm tired of caring and worrying and feeling like i can't change a damn thing...that i only make them worse. i feel like my parents' words say the same---your work doesn't matter...it has no impact...its just a hobby, not a career or lifestyle. stop giving it your everything. stop dreaming damnit, you have bills to pay and a future life to build. i feel pressure all around and i fear one day i'll just collapse...any spark left will die and i'll just be a shell---doing what i'm supposed to do.
isolation is my best friend and worst enemy, my confidante and my foil. I crave and abhor it. it's where i run in times like these to the solace of my thoughts. away from all the noise---but trapped with their voices inside my head. i can feel the cortisol coursing through my body and i feel tense all the damn time. why is my perspective the way that it is? why does it feel like my viewpoints that i stubbornly uphold seem so backward? so stupid? ive been trying to turn to You in the moments where i'm so anxious i can't breath, but i feel like when a small flame is rising, trying, fighting to burn on a cold when wick---I feel like the days just come with ice water and it take every but of my strength to keep the tiny flame lit. but i'm losing the will to fight---i'm tired of caring and thinking and failing---but maybe i'm just on my period and all this is bullshit."
I'm just frustrated with myself. I keep making mistakes, expensive mistakes that I can't afford. "If I had a job where I made more money, it would just be the matter of swiping my card...Is this worth it?" I thought twice about telling my boss that I couldn't afford to work there anymore---that maybe I made the wrong decision to stay. Today was shitty and I am sad---but I don't intend to stay this way, tomorrow will be better. (?)
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose." --Romans 8:28... I knew the test was coming, I knew the bough would break---and break it did.....but, I believe this....that even today will work out together for good, not at all because today was good or I'm good, but because He's bigger than me, and this and He's for me. Things could've been worse, but they're not.
