3. On Career

It kind of makes me laugh thinking about writing on this subject, because honestly I have no experience in building a career. In fact, I'm finding that most, if not all the "steps" I have taken towards a future career have been pretty short-sighted. Sigh..

That's pretty depressing to think about isn't it? I've been wrestling back and forth with myself these past few weeks about decisions I've made in the past about education and and jobs and volunteer experiences as I search for a job.
- Maybe I should have chosen a more lucrative career path?
- What if I've wasted the past 7 years on "things that I love" with nothing to show for them?
- Is all this student loan debt worth it?
...and on and on.
I don't have time to wallow in self-pity--- I don't want to wallow, anyway. I'd like to grow.

In a recent blogpost a friend discussed his thoughts on the perspective that millenials have on education and career. He spoke of the sense of entitlement he observed in his peers that was based on education, but lacked the appreciation and understanding of gruntwork as a career-builder. Maybe I'm guilty of this perspective. I like to think of myself as an idealist and I really fear losing this part of myself, but I feel like maybe I'm at a point where I've "had my fun". I was fortunate to really enjoy what I studied in college and graduate school, but maybe now I have to go through a season where I'm not chasing my dreams directly and have to really focus on becoming a stable, independent adult. Perhaps my season of "fun" is over and it's time to trade in idealism for practicality.

Again, I fear that working towards this trade-off is forfeiting an important part of my Tomi-ness and that when all is said and done I'll just be another 20-something who hates her job and works for the weekend. ......Is it possible to have it all? By all, I mean to chase my dreams and be diligent in my financial responsibilities? I never really dreamed to make a lot of money----I recognize that my desires may not align with a high-paying position. Does this mean that I have to forfeit that desire in the name of practicality and responsibility? ----Am I being selfish in wanting to hang on to these things?

My resolve thus far has been to take this season as what I hope it will be------a season, a time in my life that will pass. Maybe I won't completely enjoy working in whatever position I am able to get, maybe I won't see the point of it and question the value of my work to society and God's kingdom. Maybe my desires will change drastically in the process and who I am today won't recognize future Tomi. (cue nightmares of "corporate Tomi") But the hope is that maybe my dreams will change and be more conformed to what He wants. I have to hope that nothing is wasted and that He works things out for His glory and for the good of His children and His kingdom.

Ending on that note feels contrived, so I'll end here instead--- I don't know what the next few months or years will bring, and in some part that really frightens me....but other parts are excited. I'm nowhere near consistent in addressing the tension between my hope and despair ---I tend to teeter towards either extreme at any given moment.

Musings - Dreams

Once during the school year, my adviser passed on sharing my umbrella while walking in the rain. She explained that feeling the raindrops on her skin was like experiencing the closest thing to a physical touch from God. I thought this was beautiful, but I'll come back to this later...

A few days ago, in the backyard of my mother's house, I was day-dreaming of what "my perfect life" would be----I'd be a folksy back-up singer and acoustic guitarist in a big colorful band that tours the country in a bus. We'd be the type of band that actually enjoys being with each other on and off stage. We'd sing lively and somber songs about faith and life and love and sorrow. Back at home, in our cozy apartment in a small borough of a big city, my husband and I would grow little food plants and drink craft beers and french pressed coffees..---I could really go on and on with this, and I did in my day-dream. It seemed such a sweet life of simplicity and good, beautiful things. It felt like my heart was asking the Father if having a life that felt the way this day-dream did was possible, something that I could actually have. Like an answer, raindrops slowly started to fall. What my adviser described seemed to prove true here. The little drops felt like kisses from the Father and my heart felt really full.

Maybe the answer wasn't yes, but I'm sure the God of the universe knows how to orchestrate story-book moments like these to bring comfort and assurance to His daughter. Maybe my life won't turn out to be like my day-dreams-----and maybe that's a good thing.