2. On Dating/Marriage

A couple days ago I read this article written by Tim Keller on relationships. I was really surprised at how much I could relate to Jacob's view on finding that "right person", that "one true love", even though I'd probably do my best to conceal this to others. In my current life position, I've decided that I'm not ready to think of dating or marriage --- there are so many things that I need to stabilize, so many things I need to put in order for my future, so many character traits that I need to work on, there's also that small issue with fear from seeing my parents' marriage implode. Regardless of understanding all of this, I can't stop myself from daydreaming about finding that special someone and developing a relationship and life with him.

I've always struggled with self-esteem and self-worth, but then again, who hasn't? I find my struggle most obvious when I'm vying for the attention of a guy. It could honestly be any guy, not necessarily someone that I'm interested in or could ever consider dating or marrying, but anyone. I feel affirmed and valued and of worth should I receive the attention, but crushed if that attention stops or if I sense that I'm being ignored or rejected. One step worse, it really stays with me for a while. I do the same with people that I personally think are really admirable or respectable. I vie for their attention and affirmation and will be crushed if I am rejected. I've given so much power to people who probably don't know they have it and really don't deserve to carry the burden of my worth.

Going back to my original point, I'm just as guilty as Jacob of idolizing that "special person". Once more, I'm guilty as early Leah of placing my worth in the hands of someone else. I've never dated anyone so I have a limited view on the workings of romantic relationships-----I hardly understand the workings of platonic relationships. Therefore, to think that I will still feel lonely or unappreciated or unworthy even with a significant other is a concept that's difficult for me to grasp. I know with my head, and with the conviction of the Holy Spirit that an earthly relationship can never satisfy a divine longing. My Bible reading plan is taking me through the book of Hosea, where I see that the Israelites are turning everywhere looking for help and healing. They look to alcohol, sex, idols, other nations, pagan sacrifice and rituals, everything and anything to satisfy and heal. They engorge themselves on earthly pleasures thinking they will be filled and finally full, but the hole in their being just gets deeper and emptier. I'm the same, I look to everywhere else to fill the holes in my being, but come up empty with bigger holes than before. I know the One who fills, but just in case He doesn't work out, I have a couple back-ups. I remember last week in Cincinnati, during a time of repentance, telling the Lord that I wanted to be His and truly His. By this I meant, no more offering myself to other things on the side hoping that they will fulfill me if His way is too hard or takes too long, no more taking shortcuts to be with Him, with the only purpose being to say that I've been with Him, no more taking His gifts and making them more important that being with Him, no more running to myself or my experiences to direct my path: I want to be His and truly His.

So, should that guy come around that the Father is pleased to see me join with as one, my prayer is that I would be like the latter Leah, where I know that my strength, my worth, that all good things come from my good Father. While our relationship will be a good, good gift from the Father, it's not the end all, be all of my life or His story in our lives and that He is the true good thing that we are after. I still don't know that I completely understand any of this, because I have no experience, but for now, while I'm single and working towards being His and truly His, I pray that the heart understanding will come by and by as the Holy Spirit leads. Furthermore, I pray that my heart will want to believe and accept these things as Truth.

1. Introduction

I'm starting this blog because I want a fresh start. I want to learn how to communicate in terms that are clear and easily understood. I want to be more vulnerable and open, and not hide behind a veil of double entendres and secret languages. I don't feel the need to be poetic here, but to express myself clearly without pretense or worry that you will see me.

I'm currently a twenty-something who wants to know and love the Creator of the universe, who I am convinced also wants a relationship with me. I'm finishing my master's degree while looking for a job and trying to learn how to be an adult. I don't have all the answers and don't claim to either, but as cliche as it sounds, I understand that life is a process, a journey of walking, stumbling and bumbling, which is why I named this blog as such. I think I used to fear not knowing how to do everything on my own, because it would reveal my naivety and weakness, but the reality is I know very little and there are so many things in which I need to grow.

So here we are, and here I am. Welcome. :]